A few weeks ago Igna—the one and only—styled my hair after a shoot, just for the fun of it. Such a Carrie moment. My little brother has curls just like these, and I’ve always been so jealous of him. I couldn’t help but wonder (yes, another SATC ref!): Why do you always want what you don’t have?
Before my pregnancy, I felt like I had finally come to terms with my appearance. And I felt like people where really seeing me, not just my outsides. Thinking that no one else could decide my worth was such an amazing and empowering feeling. Then something happened, something that bent my self-reflection…
It was in the middle of pregnancy, and all of a sudden a lot of people started having opinions on my big belly. It felt like my body became common property, something that everybody was invited and allowed to form an opinion about. Being under the loupe as one’s body is changing was not good for my self-image at that time. And after giving birth, when I realized I wouldn’t look like it did before, I stared resenting the changes.
As I’m writing this I feel really frustrated with myself for thinking these shallow thoughts. There are so many more important things to feel and do! Why should thoughts like these occupy my mind at all?
After giving birth I felt like I was starting over. I’m not the insecure person I was in my teen years, but I still hear that same criticizing voice in the back of my head when I look in the mirror. I thought moving forward mentally was a permanent state, you know? That once you reach a certain level of self-knowledge you’d stay there.
I don’t know why, but sharing one’s insecurities makes me feel like I’m more in charge—like it doesn’t control me as much. So now I’m trying to find my way back to where I was, and hope to get there soon!
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